Dark Angel Movie Review - Part 2

A Ridiculously In-Depth Analysis of the Dark Angel Movie that Nobody Asked For. But Here It Is. Blame Lifetime.

• We get to meet Jillian for the first time when she comes down the stairs carrying a glass of booze, but she is very different from her book counterpart. They’ve made Jillian more of a lush and she’s holding a drink in her hand in almost every scene. She also seems to have more authority in the household than she ever did in the book.

• To be fair, Jillian doesn’t really do much in the book. She spends a lot of time sleeping until noon, working on her beauty rituals, holding parties at Farthy and going out with her friends. She barely spends any time with Heaven. For lunch Jillian did eat tiny cucumber or watercress sandwiches while sipping champagne, but she wasn’t an alcoholic.

• I can understand wanting to give her more to do in the movie, but I’m not a fan of the route they took. They’ve given her an entire personality overhaul. I did enjoy Kelly Rutherford as a wealthy socialite on “Gossip Girl,” though, so I was willing to see where she could take this one dimensional alternate version of Jillian.

• Movie Jillian tells Tony not to touch Heaven because she must be, “so very, very dirty” and he doesn’t “want to get any of that backwoods grime” on his suit. Book Jillian might not have cared much for Heaven, but she never treated her like she was hillbilly scum. Wow, an actual compliment I can give Jillian, who was otherwise an atrocious excuse for a human being.

• The maid holding the tray shows what her purpose is. It’s so Jillian has somewhere to set the glass she emptied while coming from downstairs and has an immediate refresher if she needs.

• Another maid, who brought Heaven’s suitcases in, comes to stand beside the maid with the tray. So at least the maid with the tray does have a relief shift if she needs it. Bathroom breaks would be a nightmare if she had to do that job solo, as she's holding a glass of liquid right in front of her.

• Heaven tells Jillian, “I’m very excited to finally meet you, Grandmother.” Jillian immediately cuts her off and says she is not into titles because she’s not nearly old enough to be her grandmother now is she? This is actually in character for Jillian who didn’t like titles of any sort for that very reason.

• Jillian tells the maids to transform the “ragamuffin” that is Heaven into something suitable to their company. Book Jillian never treated Heaven with quite that much disdain.

• Tony shows Heaven to her room, which was her mother’s old room. He says that Jillian wanted him to get rid of everything, but he refused. He wanted to keep it exactly the way it was. Maintaining a rape shrine over nearly two decades is a totally healthy thing to do.

• This room is even more infested with dolls than downstairs. I hope you brought your best exorcism kit, Ed and Lorraine. You’re going to be in this particular room awhile.

"I'm picking up that this might now have to be a 20 movie franchise."

• The maids got a reprieve from standing around as human drinking stations. One got to bring Heaven’s suitcases upstairs while the other folds some towels. Not a single towel is folded into a swan or peacock. What kind of supposedly fancy house is this?

• Tony barks to one of the maids, “Why does Miss Heaven still have her shoes on? And why aren’t her feet up after her long journey?” The maid pulls out a chair and footstool for Heaven, even propping her feet up on the stool for her. Another way for Tony to flex his power, I suppose, but I’m not feeling the dominating spirit of the true Tony Tatterton.

• Book Heaven did have a personal maid assigned to her named Beatrice Percy who just went by Percy. She never put Heaven's feet up for her, though.

• Movie Heaven finds out from one of the maids (the noncreative towel folder) that Jillian told them Heaven would only be staying a couple of days at the most. Heaven thought she was coming to live at Farthy and is upset. Book Heaven also finds out that her stay at Farthy is only supposed to be short term, but it’s more like a couple of months rather than a couple of days.

• Movie Heaven takes a picture of Tom out of her suitcase. It must have been taken at the bus stop when they said goodbye because he’s wearing the same jacket. Yet we saw their entire goodbye scene and neither of them had a camera. Cal was also camera-less when he rolled up to beg Heaven to stay with him. So who took Tom’s picture?

The jacket Tom is wearing at the bus stop and in the photo

• This isn’t the only instance in the movie series where a mysterious photograph shows up and I’m left wondering, “When in the Hell did they take that?” Seriously, Lifetime, you are the absolute worst at continuity and the logical times pictures could have been taken for characters to reminisce over.

• Tony catches Heaven writing a letter to Tom. She explains how she was writing about how wonderful her new grandparents are, how beautiful their home is and how she’d like to stay. Tony blames it on Jillian not being keen on the idea of Heaven sticking around for too long. In the book Tony made it clear that he was the authority on whether or not Heaven got to stay.

• Movie Tony says he’ll try to talk Jillian into letting her stay. In a scene reminiscent of the book, Tony gives Heaven a speech about if he gives her a home and everything that goes with it, then he expects certain things from her in return. He’s much more obviously creepy than in the book and it sounds like he means sexual favors.

• Movie Tony clarifies at the last minute and says he means that he can make her name respectable and give her a family to which she’d be proud to belong. Sure, that's all you meant, Tony.

• In order to “bestow these pearls of wisdom” upon her he demands complete and total obedience. He sounds like a lecherous, middle-aged Christian Grey.

"You will wait for me in the red room until I arrive, Heaven."

• In the book Tony does demand complete obedience from Heaven, but it’s more about making sure she doesn’t bring shame to the Tatterton and VanVoreen names with her backwoods country ways and relatives. He’s not trying to give her an indecent proposal, but of course Lifetime would overlook that for the more salacious meaning behind his words.

• Movie Tony asks Heaven, “Do you want to be a somebody? Do you?” It reminds me of a Hollywood producer pressuring a wannabe actress to “audition” for him on his private casting couch. Don’t you want to be a star? Don't ya?

Also the 5 rules to any one-on-one interaction with Tony Tatterton

Up Next in Part 3:

Heaven's first formal dinner is a depressing affair!

The mysterious 17 birthday that never happened!

Tony's private investigators do not deserve their own 80's television series!