Heaven Movie Review - Part 11

A Ridiculously In-Depth Analysis of the Heaven Movie that Nobody Asked For. But Here It Is. Blame Lifetime.

• The following morning, after Heaven heard Kitty and Cal having sex, things are super awkward in the kitchen when Cal comes downstairs to find Heaven cleaning. He’s eyeballing her from behind as she stretches forward over a counter to clean in a miniskirt. You just got laid last night, Cal. Don’t be greedy.

• Heaven’s startled when she notices him and appears uncomfortable. He’s equally as embarrassed and head towards his typewriter in the dining room. For some reason Heaven goes in the exact same direction from the kitchen. If you’re trying to avoid him going to the area where he works isn’t going to help!

• They run into each other again in the dining room and it’s even more awkward. Cal tries to pretend like everything is cool and sits down at his typewriter. He deflects and starts talking about his book, which he says isn’t ready. He asks if she’d like to read it and she says it would be her honor.

• He tells her that his book is about her. He’s found the cure to his writer’s block! He just needed to adopt a teenage girl from the backwoods of West Virginia. How was this not more obvious to him in his creative process before?

The Cure for Writer's Block: Add 1 Part Adopted Redheaded Hillbilly Teenage Girl to 1 Equal Part Jazz Dance Cleaning

• Heaven is just like WTF? You barely know me, Dude. I’ve only been here a month. Cal says that it feels like he’s always been writing about her or a girl like her. Oh, really? Do you often write about teenage girls, Cal? How interesting. Please do go on about how you try and hide your perversion behind artistic expression.

• He does not help his case any as he elaborates as to the kind of girl he thinks Heaven is: “Beautiful, smart, strong, kind, brave and totally alone. Facing insurmountable difficulties in a cruel, dark world. Will there ever be anyone who cares enough about you to keep you safe?”

• I think Heaven leaves because she realizes Cal wants to be that person who keeps her safe, but also because he’s waxing poetic about her horrible life. A life that hasn’t been improved upon any in her new home because she’s being treated like a maid/slave. Thanks for the reminder, Cal!

• Chris McNally sells his lines about Heaven and her life with an utmost sincerity and thoughtfulness that almost makes you forget that Cal is being super inappropriate. He’s wearing his cute little writer glasses and his hair is swept off to one side in a sexy, just-woke-up kind of way. Darn your charm and effortless good looks, McNally. I will not be distracted from the fact that Cal is a creep.

Okay maybe just like a 10 second distraction

• Heaven isn’t even officially sixteen yet so you just cool it with the “you are my muse and my inspiration” speeches there, Mister.

Beautiful lyrics by John Legend that should never be said to a 15-year-old girl if you are 18 years of age or older

• That same night Heaven is in her room looking at her doll when Cal asks if he can come in.

• When he studies the doll he says it looks just like Heaven. It’s not supposed to look like her. It’s meant to look like her mother, who in this Alternate Casteel/Tatterton Universe has dark hair.

• Tony is apparently psychic and had a doll made that just so happened to look like the future daughter whose existence he wasn’t even aware of when Leigh ran away from Farthy.

#1 You have a doll of your stepdaughter made that looks exactly like the future redheaded daughter you didn't even know you were having. Tony had better get his psychic hotline started right away.

• I find it odd how Heaven calls her mother “Angel VanVoreen.” Angel was the nickname Luke called Leigh. It wasn’t her official name.

• Heaven explains to Cal how Luke worshipped Leigh and that it’s no wonder he wouldn’t let the family celebrate Heaven’s birthday since it was also the day Leigh died. Cal tells her that it’s not her fault, which it really isn't.

• Who hates a baby for surviving when the mother didn’t? You’re both equally as abhorrent Book and Movie Luke.

• Cal tells Heaven that she’s the best thing that ever happened to Luke and he gave her away. Her other four siblings appreciate your complete disregard for their existence, Cal.

• Cal is back at trying to get his underage ward inebriated in the living room sometime after their chat in her bedroom. He pours them each a glass of a dessert wine. It’s supposed to be sipped, but Heaven winds up downing the whole thing.

• He gives her a gift he got her of a pen to write to her brother and friends back home. When Heaven says, “Thank you, Cal,” he jokingly suggests that she can call him Daddy. Heaven laughs, but also shudders and says that was weird for the two seconds Cal seemed potentially serious.

• Cal says, “There’s nothing weird between us, Heaven. Only good things.” Did he forget about the dance-cleaning? There’s also adopting a teenage girl from the backwoods of West Virginia, offering her alcohol like it’s soda pop and finding inspiration in her crappy life for his book. None of these activities qualify as “good things.”

• He offers her a hug and Heaven accepts it. This is vaguely reminiscent of the relationship Cal had with Heaven in the book. He was nice to her, spent time with her and bought her things. That’s why she came to view him as a friend and her only ally living with the nightmare that was Kitty.

Up Next in Part 12:

Kitty shows Heaven what a lobster feels like!

Less kissing and more checking for signs of a concussion!

50 Shades of Cal!