Heaven Movie Review - Part 13

Subtitle: A Ridiculously In-Depth Analysis of the Heaven Movie that Nobody Asked For. But Here It Is. Blame Lifetime.

• Heaven finds out from Grace that the Reverend has been keeping Fanny locked up. To no one’s surprise, including people who have read the book, Fanny is pregnant. She says he did it the first night she got there.

• Fanny seems to think the Wises are willing to let her keep the baby at their house because they’re setting up a nursery for the baby. Yeah, I don’t think that’s the plan, Sweetpea. She says she wants the baby and that it’s best if Heaven leaves her alone.

That we plan to purchase from you to pretend it's ours

• Book Fanny mostly just wanted the $10,000 the Wises were willing to pay her for the baby to pass it off as her own. In “Dark Angel” Fanny does claim she actually wants the baby, and sends Heaven to try and get her baby back from Reverend Wise.

• Logan proposes marriage when he sees Heaven again in the cafeteria. You’re both only sixteen, Logan. Do you really think your parents are going to take in you and your Backwoods Bride? I’m sure Heaven will love being called hillbilly trash every time she comes downstairs for breakfast.

"Are you trying to tell us something with your sudden nuptials at sixteen, Logan?"

• Book Logan doesn't propose when he sees Heaven again. He does talk about marriage, but only once he's graduated from college.

• Kitty has breast cancer and "all of her woman parts are riddled with cancer,” according to Grace. Kitty tells Heaven that she has her blessing for Heaven to marry Cal. Thanks, Lunatic Adopted Mother, who freaked out any time I spent time with her husband.

• On her deathbed Kitty asks Heaven if she was a good mother. Heaven lies and tells her what she wants to hear. I mean Kitty is on her literal deathbed, all of her woman parts are riddled with cancer and she says it’s her dying wish to know she was a good mother. I’d probably lie through my teeth, too. I loved never being able to leave the house, cleaning all day and being boiled alive like a lobster, Mama.

• Being nice to Kitty because she’s ill, and possibly dying, is in character for Heaven. She took care of Kitty when she became sick with cancer, despite all of the abuse Heaven endured at Kitty’s hands.

• Heaven tells Cal that she thinks their affair killed Kitty. Infidelity doesn't cause breast cancer, Heaven, but sleeping with your adopted father probably isn't exactly helping the situation, either.

• Cal tells Heaven that Kitty had breast cancer before she came to live with them, and if it's anyone's fault then it's his. He did call a doctor when Kitty couldn't get out of bed, but he definitely dropped the ball in many other ways. He should have called an ambulance after Kitty chased down a bunch of her pain pills with wine, which the doctor warned him could be a lethal combination.

• Instead he chose to just put Kitty to bed as she's mostly unconscious and muttering deliriously about wanting to go home. If she was that out of it they could have examined her at the hospital to figure out what's going on. They probably would have found the cancer.

• I guess Cal's schedule was pretty full with trying to make out with his possibly brain damaged teenage ward, and slow dancing with her in the moonlight. Priorities, Cal. Kitty is your literal meal ticket, on account of you being an unemployed writer. You're killing your free ride!

Rule #1 of having a Sugar Mama: Don't kill her!

• Grace finally catches Cal kissing Heaven right outside of Kitty’s bedroom.

Kitty is lying right there and you left her bedroom door open. You're the worst at clandestine affairs, Cal.

• Grace tells Heaven that everyone is going to know about her and follows through. At Kitty’s funeral the townsfolk are giving Heaven dirty looks because she’s become a "Casteel Whore" just like they always said she would.

• Book Heaven doesn’t attend Kitty’s funeral. Cal lies and tells Heaven Kitty’s breast cancer tumor shrank and she's doing better. He says that he and Kitty are going to try and work on their relationship. Heaven leaves on a plane to Boston and reads about Kitty’s obituary in the newspaper.

• Which raises questions about when did Kitty die in the book? There’s a day in between when Heaven sees Kitty in the hospital for the last time and when she leaves for Boston. That’s mighty fast for the family to write up an obituary for the newspaper to print.

• Movie Heaven is waiting for Logan in the hallway at school when Logan’s mother comes up to call Heaven a whore. When Heaven saw Logan in the locker room he explained how his mother had become a substitute teacher at the school. I guess she must be slut shaming on a coffee break.

• Heaven has to fess up to Logan that the rumors that he’s heard about her and Cal are true. Logan asks if Cal forced her, but since he didn’t really in the movie she says it’s hard to explain. Logan tells her he never wants to see her again and stomps off.

• In the book it’s clearer that the relationship between Heaven and Cal was a grooming relationship. He didn't force himself on her, either, but she didn't sleep with him because she was in love with him. She gave into him out of a sense of guilt and obligation towards him for everything he'd given her and done for her.

• Since they decided to romanticize it for the movie, Heaven’s involvement with Cal seems more consensual. So I don’t really blame Logan for being mad at her.

Up Next in Part 14:

Tom's fate from my horror movie spinoff is revealed!

Cal is ready for some pistol dueling!

The illogical bus to Boston!