Heaven Movie Review

Subtitle: A Ridiculous In-Depth Analysis of the Heaven Move that Nobody Asked For. But Here It Is. Blame Lifetime.

Logan’s father is now a butcher instead of a pharmacist? That’s an odd career change for him, but not even the most egregious career change for a character in the movie. I laughed at Logan repeating, “He’s a butcher,” after he’d just said, “My Dad moved here to open up a butcher shop.”
Thanks for the clarification, Logan. We thought maybe he was a window washer for a second there.
He’s not a little bit miffed that his Dad decided to completely uproot him while he was in the middle of a high school year to move from New York to the Middle-of-Nowhere, West Virginia? So his father could open up a butcher shop in the town where Logan’s mother is from.
Logan’s father couldn’t have held off on his Most Successful Butcher in a Small Town Dream until his son at least finished that particular school year? Was his butcher business struggling in a city of millions of people, the majority of who like to eat meat?
I have clearly given way too much thought to the career of Movie Logan’s father.
Who is a butcher. Not a pharmacist, or anything logical like that, where it would make sense for someone to give up a job in a major city to move to a rural area. Because dispensing medication to people is a lot more essential than ensuring they have the choicest cuts of meat. A small town like Winnerow would want to fill that position as soon as possible and probably made Book Logan’s father a lucrative offer.

Also Logan and Heaven weren’t in the same class or grade in the book. He was 2 years older than her, but Lifetime doesn’t care about pesky details like proper age differences, relationships or career choices. Silly me.
Heaven would never in a million years sass a teacher like when she corrects Miss Murds on how to properly quote, “Romeo, Romeo, Wherefore Art Thou, Romeo?” I guess this teacher who sends a 15-year-old girl to the Principal’s office for knowing Shakespeare better than her is all we’re going to get instead of Miss Deale? Great trade-off there, Lifetime.

Fanny talking about how Miss Murds needs to get laid is pretty amusing and true to her character. “Even good girls have orgasms, Heaven. It totally relieves stress.”
Fanny intervening when Logan tries to talk to Heaven is fairly spot on, too. “I’m Fanny, like butt,” as she slaps her own ass. “I’m the much more fun sister.” The dialogue is terrible, but Jessica Clement manages to make it funny with the way she delivers the lines. This movie badly needed more of Fanny’s brazen sexuality and sass.
Tom saying, “Come on, Butt”, and dragging Fanny off so Heaven can talk to Logan alone is also in character for him. He often had to intervene when Fanny started to behave inappropriately in front of Logan.

We get it, Movie, Logan and Heaven are Romeo and Juliet. They’re both from different worlds and at least one of their families doesn’t want them together. It’s not a subtle parallel, but Romeo and Juliet rarely is when it’s brought up in other works so Lifetime is far from the first or worst offender.
I do like Heaven’s insight into why she loves Romeo and Juliet. She relates to it because she understands what it’s like to be trapped by your own family when it’s not your fault.

Movie Logan is more like Book Logan was at the start of the book. That brief period where he was tolerable and I didn’t want to punch him in the face. He and Heaven are kind of cute together like they were when they were first falling in love in the book. We’ll see if he can continue this streak of me not wanting to violently assault him.

Syphilis baby time! Good Lord that’s a lot of blood, but we don’t even get to see the syphilis baby. Just a tiny body wrapped up in a bloody cloth.
Sarah cries with her head in Heaven’s lap and moans about how the baby was all “twisted”. This is apparently the only descriptive word she knows to explain something warped, deformed or mutated. To be fair Sarah has a hill education, but her repetition of the word twisted became irritating.

Granny no! You were one of the few things keeping this movie bearable and like the book!

I did like the funeral scene where Heaven gives a speech to Baby Casteel and Granny. The callback to Granny “soothing all your tangles” was genuinely sad and sweet. Don’t leave me, Granny. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to handle the rest of this movie’s tangles without you.

We also get to meet Reverend Wise at the funeral. He’s much too interested in where Heaven’s parents are and says that "lovely ladies" like Heaven and Fanny shouldn’t be alone at a time like this. He also starts to get touchy-feely with Fanny before Heaven pulls her away. Reverend Wise is 10/10 on the Creeper Scale so solid casting there.

I did find it rather comical that Logan’s mother showed up at the funeral of Heaven’s grandmother and baby sibling to drag him away and tell him that she didn’t want him spending time with hillbilly trash. Pick and choose your timing, Lady. That wasn’t it. I doubt even Book Mrs. Stonewall would have been that callous.

Luke returns to the cabin and can’t read the very depressed room. He expects everyone to be happy because he’s brought bacon (no confirmation if this bacon came from the Stonewall's new butcher shop). Then he slowly (like much too slowly) starts to put together the long faces, empty rocking chair on the porch and Sarah’s flatter stomach. Book Luke was not the brightest so this is plausible.

Sarah’s character needed way more development. She goes from 0 to Crazy in almost no time flat. At least one other scene between her and Luke was needed to capture the essence of their relationship. The actress was also terrible so that didn’t help.
In the scene where the kids are trying to reassure her that Luke will come back, every line is hilariously bad. “Oh, Yeah, you try keeping hope alive!” I guess the syphilis was getting to her at that point, but still her delivery was cringe worthy. It’s probably for the best we didn’t see too much of Sarah.

Also least subtle metaphor ever: My head is just a big, old twisted mess. Get it, like the twisted up baby I just delivered? We get it, Sarah. Is it time for you to run away yet?
Sarah attempting suicide before she runs away is plausible since she clearly was not in the best frame of mind. That didn’t happen in the book, although she was definitely very depressed and starting to lose it. Book Sarah just left a note, mostly about hating Luke, and peaced out.

Up Next in Part 3:

The kids are not alright!

Some random thoughts on Social Services in West Virginia!

Logan and the miraculous picnic basket!

Heaven Movie Review - Part 2