Heaven Movie Review

Subtitle: A Ridiculously In-Depth Analysis of the Heaven Movie that Nobody Asked For. But Here It Is. Blame Lifetime.

Luke showing up drunk to find out his wife left is something that could happen in the book. He falls backwards into his truck when Fanny tries to hug him. He doesn’t bother to get up and just mutters, “Damn Women. They always leave”, while taking a big chug of beer.
Heaven retorts back. “Going to find a better one at the bottom of that bottle?” You go, Snarky Heaven. Fanny tells her to shut up and say he’s doing his best. As he’s splayed out in his truck on his back like a drunken turtle. We get some more awesomely sarcastic Heaven as she retorts, “His best? This is his best. Well then, Thank the Lord, we’re saved!”

Keith and Janey (Our Jane in the books) are just kind of there. Janey mentions a couple of times that her tummy doesn’t feel good. In the book it was almost non-stop from her so maybe also not such a terrible thing she wasn’t around for long.

Keith’s dumb ass almost dies when he tries to eat a poison mushroom. This would never happen in the book because Keith loved nature so he would have definitely known which mushrooms were poisonous.

Heaven is prideful when Logan shows up with a picnic basket full of food, which is just like Book Heaven.

She tells him they’re fine, as she’s out in the forest hunting for wild mushrooms with her little brother. She finally caves when Keith tugs at her sweater to remind her they are far from fine.

Heaven getting defensive when she thinks Logan is pitying her is so in character for her. I actually liked Movie Logan because he’s nice, but doesn’t try to be Saint Logan coming to Heaven’s rescue all the time like he was in the book. I guess he was trying to be the White Knight with the picnic basket, but he wasn’t super pushy about it. He did seem willing to walk away if Heaven persisted in saying no.

Movie Heaven has some insights into her family’s situation that never seemed to occur to Book Heaven. In the movie she makes Logan promise not to tell anyone how bad things are or else they might all get put in foster care.
I wonder if this never occurred to Book Heaven because it would never happen with the “hillfolk”? Hill people were basically non-entities from what I gathered in the books. I doubt they even had addresses or social security numbers to be considered part of a government system that might try to help them or their children.
Plus it sounded like crime was pretty rampant among the hill people of the books, especially child abuse and neglect. Movie Heaven and her family might as well be singing about how the hills are alive with the sound of music compared to the real Willies. So it’s a quaint thought, Movie Heaven, but in Book Heaven’s world no one would have cared.

Random side note, but how much food did Logan manage to fit into that picnic basket? There’s a large bowl of fried chicken, a couple of other bowls, a bundle of grapes, multiple cheese wheels, a thermos. Hilariously there are even husks of partially shucked corn because that’s what someone practically brings on a picnic. Logan has Jesus-like powers for his ability to fit food into a picnic basket.

Jesus managed to feed 4,000 people with 7 loaves of bread and a few small fishes. In response, Logan proclaimed, "Hold my picnic basket!"
This movie does nail the VCA trend of guys kissing Heaven at inappropriate moments. Logan and Heaven are sitting on the porch, exchanging young lover vows, such as promising to always be truthful with each other. You’re going to regret that one later, Logan. Keith and Janey are nearby gorging on the feast that miraculously fit into one basket. That was your moment, Logan. When Heaven is sitting on the tire swing, looking girlish and pretty, as they make promises to each other.
I guess their moment does get broken up by Keith and Jane bickering over a muffin. They have an entire bowl of fried chicken in front of them and they’re fighting over a muffin? This would never happen in the book because Keith worshipped Our Jane and would have done anything to make her happy.

Heaven goes to break up the feud and splits the stupid muffin in half. No wonder they’re starving when they don’t have the good sense to eat fried chicken over a muffin. Keith and Janey run off. Heaven looks like an exhausted, put upon mother with the weight of the world on her shoulders as she allows herself something to eat.
That’s when Logan decides to go in for the kiss. It’s all very chaste and sweet, but the timing could have been much better.
Up to this point the movie wasn’t entirely terrible. There were some obvious discrepancies like Fanny and Heaven getting along, the occupation of Logan’s father, Granny knowing the last name of Leigh. The characters were similar enough to their book counterparts for me to get invested.

Heaven was studious, optimistic and prideful. Fanny was promiscuous and sassy. Tom and Heaven were close like in the books. I loved the relationship between Heaven and Granny. I felt a pang in my heart when Heaven referenced the tangles again in her funeral speech. Logan and Heaven begin a youthful romance like in the book. Color me moderately impressed so far, Lifetime.
So, of course, they had to go and screw it all up half an hour in.

Up Next in Part 4:

Lifetime botches a fundamental plot line!

A weird defense of a woman who thought it was okay to buy children!

I invent a spin-off horror movie starring Tom!

Heaven Movie Review - Part 3