Heaven Movie Review - Part 5

Subtitle: A Ridiculously In-Depth Analysis of the Heaven Movie that Nobody Asked For. But Here It Is. Blame Lifetime.

• Reverend McCreepyPants shows up at the cabin to collect his underage concubine, Fanny. Did Luke just give her away, too? Was there any exchange of money? Movie Luke you’re a terrible father and an even worse child salesman.

• The Reverend asks to come in, but Heaven just stands on the other side of the screen door and gives him a death glare. He’s spouting off a bunch of biblical and religious quotes to justify his illegal sex slavery.

• Heaven is just like I seriously have no idea what you’re talking about. Fanny appears with a couple of suitcases to explain that Reverend Wise is taking her and that, "Daddy arranged it." She appears reluctant to go, though.

• This was the opposite of Book Fanny, who was jealous that Keith and Jane got adopted before her. She was overjoyed that the Wises (his wife was with him in the book) chose her. To be fair to Book Fanny, she was only 13 and might not have known the precise reason why the Reverend chose her. I think she was mostly just happy to get away from the extreme poverty and hunger.

Just Fanny chilling with her new sex slave owner and half-sister. Behind the scenes photos can be really bizarre after you've watched what happens on screen between these characters.

• Movie Fanny definitely knows why she was chosen by Reverend Wise, but still decides to go with him. She says she has to go, yet doesn’t really give any reasons why. Maybe if we felt the true desperation of their situation, like we did in the books, then it might make more sense. Otherwise I guess she’s just submitting to unpaid prostitution because her Dad said she had to. Luke’s not even there to make sure she obeys.

• When Heaven asks under whose authority he’s taken Fanny, the Reverend says it’s an agreement between two grown adult men. This again raises the question of whether or not an exchange of money was involved. Luke is a moron if he just gave away Fanny’s sugar charms for free.

• I have now just given the movie way more credit for foreshadowing by cereal choice than it deserves. What sinister secrets lurk behind Fudge Flakes for Janey, Fruity Puffs for Keith and Coconut Crunch for Tom?

• Is that a clue that Tom actually gets sent to Hawaii to slave away on a coconut farm? What first appears like Paradise soon turns to Hell. I think I just found the tagline for my Heaven movie horror spinoff.

How did Tom manage to team up with his future step-niece on the farm in Virginia when he's the exact same age as her, you ask? My horror movie spin-off just got a whole lot cooler and now includes time travel. But we still keep it V.C. Andrews style and they totally fall in love. This is actually another picture from "Dead Shack" that happens to star the actor who plays Tom and the actress who plays Annie Stonewall (Lizzie Boys).

• Reverend Wise refers to himself as the Head of the Church and Luke as the Head of the Family. Heaven has a pretty good line where she says, “Luke Casteel might as well be the head of a snake if you want to get biblical about it.”

• Then we get a couple of lines of dialogue from the actual book! Enjoy it now because I’m pretty sure it’s the only time it happens. In response to Heaven calling Luke a snake, the Reverend gives the pious line about, “Honor thy father, Heaven. That’s what the good book says.” Heaven responds back with, “What about honor thy children, huh? Why doesn’t the good book say that?”

Heaven's next Father's Day Card to Luke

• In the book it’s Grandpa who reminds Heaven to honor thy father when she says something against Luke. She says essentially those exact same words back to him. I think it works well coming from the hypocritical Reverend Wise instead, but that doesn’t excuse the lack of Grandpa in the entire movie.

I guess I'll have to fix this one for you, Lifetime

• We get the first scene of two members of the Casteel family pressing their hands together from different sides of a screen door. Fanny and Heaven touch hands between the mesh of the screen door as they say goodbye. What are these little family rituals along with Tom and Heaven saying, “Full in heart”? They don’t exist in the books. They are also emotionally meaningless without any additional background behind them.

• Movie Fanny is crying as she says farewell to her sister. Book Fanny was practically singing Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah as she skips out the door, and barely says goodbye to any of her family. She's dazzled by gifts the Wise's brought her including a box of chocolates and a new red coat with a black fur collar.

Much closer to Book Fanny on Sale Day. Ready to blow this dirty and dilapidated popsicle stand!

• Movie Fanny knows exactly what’s up and is upset about it. Which again raises the question of why go? Especially without Luke there to force her. Before she leaves she does say to Heaven, “I always knew a man with lots of money would come and take me away from this someday.”

• This is the first we’ve heard about it from her, but I guess it’s a reason? She probably could have easily found a rich man a lot earlier if she really wanted to, though. She’s young, pretty and not shy about her sexuality. I know Tinder wasn’t a thing back then, but she could have had so many sugar daddies in this day and age. Fanny was just born in the wrong technological era.

This guy's only 18 and a paleontologist? Swipe right!

Up Next in Part 6:

Book Luke’s defense for child rape gets tossed out of Hillbilly Court!

I celebrate my syphilis free relationship!

Kitty figures out the perfect cure for hoarders!