Heaven Movie Review - Part 6

Subtitle: A Ridiculously In-Depth Analysis of the Heaven Movie that Nobody Asked For. But Here It Is. Blame Lifetime.

• Now it’s just Heaven alone in the cabin with Luke. Heaven calls him a coward who didn’t even say goodbye to any of the other kids. Book Luke would have backhanded her across the face, but Movie Luke just drowns his sorrows in a flask.

• Late at night he comes in drunk while Heaven’s sleeping. He thinks he sees his Angel and starts caressing Heaven’s hair. She wakes up and jerks away from him. He comes to his senses and staggers off.

I can understand his confusion? Jennifer LaPorte as Leigh VanVoreen (Angel).

• This is similar to a scene in the book, but Heaven pretends to still be sleeping when she feels Luke touch her hair. It’s sad because she’s shocked by him touching her in a gentle manner. Luke doesn’t just come to his senses, though. It’s Grandpa who calls out in the night to ask him what he’s doing that makes Luke pull away.

• Then there’s a delightful scene in the book where Luke actually tries to argue with Grandpa about why he should be able to rape his own daughter. He argues that she’s “born of his seed” and he’s cured of syphilis now. Even in the Court of Hillbilly Law I don’t think his defense would pass muster. And they’re usually pretty lax when it comes to sleeping with your own kin. Grandpa’s not buying Luke’s excuses and tells Luke to get Heaven out of there ASAP.

• Did Movie Luke even go cure his syphilis? He just wandered off to Angel’s grave after Sarah told him the twisted up baby was his fault, and it’s never really addressed again. I guess, somehow, a venereal disease that can lead to pustule sores, insanity and death just magically went away on its own.

• On a semi-related side note there was actually an outbreak of syphilis recently in the Canadian Province I live in called Alberta. Provinces here are similar to States in the US. I thought of Book Luke right away when I read about the outbreak, of course.

The syphilis riddled province where I live in Canada. We had 1,536 cases in 2018 and the rates are the highest since 1948. Gross. Clean yourself up, Alberta.

• Reading that also gave me the deepest gratitude for being in a monogamous, long term relationship. I shudder to think of being part of the modern day dating scene. Reason #137 I’m grateful for my spouse: he’s never given me syphilis or any other venereal disease (#relationshipgoals).

• I don’t actually have a list, but if I ever make one that’s definitely going on there. He’d probably prefer if I left it off any Anniversary cards, though.

This actually sums up our relationship perfectly

• Anyways, enough about my STD-free relationship. Sorry I just had to brag for a second there. On with the movie!

• Unlike Book Luke, who needs Grandpa to talk him out of raping a child, Movie Luke has an epiphany where he realizes she’s not safe in the same house as him. Again there’s talk of him having “made arrangements” for Heaven. Is he seriously just giving these children away for free? At least Book Luke tried to make some money from all his offspring.

• Heaven tries to protest that it’s the only home she’s ever known, but Luke just storms off. That’s the last we’ll see of him for awhile, but it’s not like he’ll be missed.

"But I really like it here where there's a potential rapist lurking about and no food!'

• The very next scene is Heaven standing on the porch with a couple of suitcases as she waits for Kitty and Cal to arrive. For supposedly being super poor, the Casteels sure are suitcase rich. Luke sent two suitcases with Keith and Jane, Tom takes one suitcase with him for his supposed job, Fanny takes two suitcases with her and Heaven also takes two suitcases. One did belong to her mother, but that's still seven suitcases!

• I don’t imagine the Movie Casteels took many family road trips together so why did they have that many suitcases? I suspect Luke has a suitcase addiction and that’s why they’re so poor. He had to sell the kids to buy that ultra deluxe snakeskin beauty with gold clasps he's been dreaming of forever.

Luke's Fantasy Suitcase

• Heaven going immediately with Kitty and Cal is different from the book. In the book Luke allows Heaven a choice between two couples. One couple is older and wealthier looking, but appears more stern. Then there’s Kitty and Cal who look younger and more stylish. Heaven picks Kitty and Cal because she thinks they’ll be less strict. Boy was she wrong there!

• I’ve always wondered who the other couple was. Would Heaven have been better off going with them?

• Book Kitty also doesn’t allow Heaven to take much of anything with her. She thinks anything in the cabin must be germ or vermin infested. Heaven just barely manages to smuggle out her mother’s suitcase by wrapping it in some of Granny’s shawls that she told Kitty she’d just washed.

I want a reality TV show where Book Kitty is the host of "Hoarders". She would have any house whipped into shape in no time and would cure their affliction with Lysol baths. "Do ya really need that headless Barbie Doll, Joan? DO YA, HOARDER TRASH SCUM?!"

Up Next in Part 7:

Kitty arrives to class this joint up!

I finally get what all the ladies saw in Luke Casteel!

The internet teaches me what a Zaddy is!